I think I might actually start using this blog. Because lately, the stress has become too much. Which might explain why I'm sitting here at two o'clock in the morning typing out some bullshit that is keeping me from sleeping.
The girl written in my story about the beach is no longer my good friend. We had a huge falling out at the beginning of senior year and I lost most of my friends in that debacle. I'll probably write about the whole sordid story at some point or another.
But now, I'm upset because of my new friends. I made new friends around Thanksgiving of my senior year to replace my old friends. It happened to be the best thing that could have ever happened to me so as hard as those few months were, they turned out to be exactly what I needed. I am so blessed to have the friends that I have now. I wish I knew that last week.
Last week, my friends and I went back to the East Coast beach that I visited last year. We stayed there for a full week. I'm sure there are many plausible explanations for why I was being such a bitch. Maybe I was stressed - about college or that I would crash my car or the condo we rented on my parents' credit card. Maybe my friends were being annoying and wouldn't listen to me. Maybe it hurt to be in the one place that holds one of the darkest points of my life. Or maybe I was just a super bitch.
Let me go back to a year ago. I haven't updated this blog in a year. Maybe that beach town is cursed for me. I don't know if I ever want to go back there. All it holds is bad memories for me. Anyway, a year ago I wrote that that trip did not have a huge adverse effect of my mental state. Well, apparently, a lot can change in a year. Every bad thing that has happened to me in the past year can come back full circle to that one night. And it fucking sucks. To be constantly punished for the one night I wish could be erased from my past forever. My friends - old and new - don't understand. They can't put themselves in my shoes because they're all virgins and if they're not, they lost it to a long term boyfriend or someone they really cared about. And that blows because my story is the story of every other girl's life. At a normal school in a normal town, everyone did that - hook up and lose their virginity to someone that was easy. Not my friends. They were too good for that. Evidently, I wasn't.
I'm thinking I need to write a whole synopsis of the past year. Hmm... another day.
Anyway, my friends and I went to the beach. Just got back a few days ago. Now let me tell you a little something about myself. I'm what many people would call "bossy." And I ain't talking a little needy. I'm talking fucking demanding. And I was always like that. It's just my personality - I'm a natural leader. I didn't realize that it had gotten so far though. Because when my friends confronted me and said word for word things that I had said, I wanted to deny it. I wanted to wave away the comments I knew I had said by saying "I was kidding!" when we all knew I wasn't. All I wanted to do was deny and dismiss. But I owned up to it. And I apologized. But now I'm freaking out. One of my best friends is starting to distance herself from me. My other best friend, who didn't come on the beach trip with us, won't even talk to me. I don't know why, but she's got all of her own problems. It's exhausting being her friend, but I've been doing it for a year and at some point I just have to wonder when it'll pay off for me. Again, story for another day.
I'll probably update this when I find out what the fuck is going on and if I'm officially exiled. Again. I just can't not have friends. But to have friends, you have to be a friend. And I've been a really shitty friend. As much as I want to say that the situation blows, I know it's actually me that sucks. It's all me. I'm just... I'm such a bitch and it's like I can't find the off switch and just be a normal, loving fucking normal person. I'm in this constant state of hatred and coldness for the people that have only ever shown me kindness. And that makes me the worst kind of person.
Here's to another shitty fucking June.
