I am not a first choice, I am a back up plan. And I am so fucking sick of people acting like they care when they very obviously don't.
I am shell of who I once was and I can't do this anymore. I'm not funny anymore. I lost my humor, the one thing I had going for me. I may not have been the prettiest or the smartest, but I was always the funny one. And I'm not anymore.
No one laughs at my jokes or smiles when I'm goofing around. No one genuinely likes the person I am.
I keep everything at bay and it's still not enough. I'm still not funny and I'm still aggravating and I still don't know who I am. I am trying so hard to go back to the person I was before all this shit.
Before I had a boyfriend who hit me, before I let the person I loved most get away, before my dad got arrested, before I lost myself.
I tried so hard to find myself again after Shane. And it took years and effort and energy every fucking day but I finally did it. With a little help from my friends, I finally came to be the best version of myself and I was happy. For once in my life, I was truly content with who I was and where I was going and who I was going to be.
But I never thought my life would turn out to be this way. I never though lt that I'd be who I am now. I am pushing everyone away and losing myself in the process. Again.
I can't go through that again. I simply don't have the energy to find myself after all this time. Again. I've been through hell and back. And I've smiled the whole way through, staying optimistic, convincing myself that things would get better and I'd be okay by the end of it.
But I am far from okay. I am far from who I was, who I was when I was happy.
And I don't know how to get back to that point. How to smile at the autumn leaves that turn beautiful colors and fall in perfect patches, just waiting to be crunched. I don't know how to laugh at good jokes and smile as if I didn't have a care in the world. I don't know how to be the best version of myself and I'm fucking scared of who I'm becoming.
I'm becoming more of a robot than I ever was and that's saying a whole fucking lot.
I will never allow myself to be vulnerable again. I will never be comfortable with who I am because I am not anyone. I am not someone who belongs, someone who matters.
I am a back up plan. I am placeholder. I am the shell of a girl that used to be everything. And now I am nothing.
I have nothing left to give, I've already given it all to a person who threw it away in favor of something brighter, something better. Because even my best and my brightest still isn't good enough for the person I walked through hell with.
I wonder if he realizes that I was there for it. I think he forgets that I've seen his highest highs and his lowest lows and I still think the world of him.
I wonder if he realizes that no matter how hard I try, I still give him all I have. I give my time, my energy, my money. And what does he do with it? He throws it away. He throws it away because he doesn't want those things from me - he wants it from someone else.
So I'm done giving. For my own sake, I have to be. I can't give away who I am in return for absolutely nothing.
And I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to get back to thinking the sun shines out of his ass and I can trust him with anything. Because I can't anymore. I don't trust him.
He confirmed my worst fears and told me to my face that I wasn't good enough for him. That I have given him all I have to give and yet it still isn't anything. Everything I've done, every part of who I am, it just isn't enough.
Why? What is so terrible about me that I just can't have anything that I need?
Maybe he isn't what I need. Maybe he's holding me back from finding out exactly what it is that I need. Maybe I need to distance myself from his weight and relearn how to carry my own.
All I know is that I'm not strong anymore. I'm not who I was. And it's killing me. I always held on to my strength. Even if I wasn't funny or pretty or smart, at least I was strong. At least I could carry my own weight and be happy with at least that. And I can't even say that anymore. I don't know I am. I've lost the most integral part of myself. My strength.
I don't know who I am, but I know that I'm not who I was.
