It all seemed to happen so quickly. My life changed. Maybe for the better, maybe for worse. I'm not surrounded by the people I expected.
I got fucked over. Hard. By people I trusted, people I allowed myself to be vulnerable to. People I put my faith in. People I considered my best friends. And it got me right back to rock fucking bottom.
They left. They saw an out and took it before I could. I know what was holding me back from taking that out - pride, arrogance. And hope.
I'm prideful. I have a love/hate relationship with that aspect of myself. I don't settle for less than I deserve and that saves me from a lot of heartache. But it bites me in the ass every now and then too. I should have asked for help. I should have swallowed my pride and just reminded myself that although I'm a legal adult, I can't handle everything on my own.
Arrogance stopped me. That arrogant train of thought of how strong I am, how much I have been able to overcome in the past. Arrogance in saying that this isn't the hardest battle I've had to fight, that I can win with no effort. I seriously miscalculated that one. This battle has been hard and braving it on my own has made it even worse. Arrogance stopped me from fighting with all my might. And if I had, I may not be here. But arrogance stopped me.
But the fact that I clinged so hard to hope is what kills me. I hoped for the best, I had faith that things would turn out my way. They didn't.
I had hope that people would change, and other people would stay the same. They didn't.
I had hope that the people I gave my all to would give me something, anything in return. They didn't.
I had hope that this would make me stronger. It didn't.
I had hope that I could conquer this. I couldn't.
And I am so fucking sick of this shit. I'm sick of sitting here trying to pin-point the exact moment shit hit the fan. It's making my hair fall out, it's making me wake up with scratches on my arms that I don't remember giving myself, it's making me physically ill. And it's not fair.
But I'm also so fucking sick of feeling sorry for myself. I'm sick of crying in my car and hiding. I'm sick of saving theses emotions for late nights and long drives alone. I'm sick of losing sleep over people that sleep soundly at night, not caring where they've left me.
So I'm not doing this anymore. I'm going to try my best to just get my fucking shit together. I'm going to do what's good for me and finally be a little selfish.
But I'm scared. I have a plan. I have a plan that could fail. A plan that could leave me sitting here feeling sorry for myself again a year from now. But I'm going to risk it.
Call it pride, call it arrogance, call it hope. But that's all I have right now.
