That's where I'm at now. I'm laying in bed in absolute silence wondering why.
I'm wondering why I was never enough for the people who were always enough for me. I'm wondering why I can't express my feelings. I'm wondering why it's oh so easy for me to write them here but not say them out loud. I'm wondering why I can put on this facade and pretend like everything's okay one minute and sob the next. I'm wondering why I'm not worth anything. I'm wondering why it seems like so suddenly the things that made me happy four years ago don't make me happy anymore.
I want to be happy again. I can feel it slip through my fingers everyday. I'm almost grasping it, so close to the feelings I want so dearly, only to feel it slip through my fingers as easily as sand.
It was so easy before. It was so easy to look past my struggles and put on this brave face. I may have known it was always a mask, but I was so comfortable wearing it.
So what changed? When did I decide it was okay to be vulnerable?
I'm still stuck with the same type of people. The kind of people that lie to my face and do things they know will hurt me behind my back. The same cowardly people that shy away from confrontation.
Why do I allow myself to open up to people that have continuously let me down?
Because I have no one else. Because I'm stuck.
Because if I leave theses people, these people that care about each other more than they'll ever care about me, I'll have no one. I won't have anyone to spend the night with. I won't have anyone to conquer to boredom with and to quiet my demons for me.
I have run out of strength. I have exhausted all of my resources in this piece of shit town and there is no one left to drown my fears. They are my last option. I have gone through every other one.
I know I could leave them. They have hurt me more than any other person has because for the first time in a long time, I opened up. And they abused that.
How do I justify that for them? How do I explain that away and make excuses for them for that?
I'm tired of making excuses. I'm tired of pretending like everything is okay because it's not.
I am sad. I am not who I once was and I'm fucking losing it. And they don't care.
All I've ever done is be there for them and they can't give me the simple respect of being honest with me.
So why do I stay? Because I have no one left. And if I lose them, there is no one else. And shitty friends are better than no friends at all.
I'm stuck. I'm sad and I'm stuck. And I fucking hate it.
