Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Connor

So, a few days ago, I slept with this guy that I probably shouldn't have. He was my sister's good friend and I'm really close to my sister.  See, he's also a lot older - seven years older, to be exact. I mean, that's a huge maturity gap. I'm still a teenager and he's in his mid twenties.

So let me tell y'all the story.

In May, I had just gotten out of my first year of college and my sister and I decided to take a road trip for a couple days to the beach. First, we stopped at her friend's house (we'll call him Connor) so she could get some weed. She's a huge pothead. I'm not a big smoker, but I'm used to it. So anyway, we stop at Connor's house because that's who she buys weed from. He comes out and makes the deal with her or whatever, introduces himself while my sister introduces me and then me and my sister were off to better beachy days.

A few minutes into the trip, I made an off-hand comment like, "Well, he's a cutie, isn't he?" and my sister got all grossed out and said that she didn't think so at all.

I'm gonna spare y'all the details, but pretty much my sister told Connor that I thought he was cute and then he found and added me on Facebook. We messaged for a little bit back and forth before my sister found out. She was pissed. She's very protective of me because she's older and she's always kind of been my watch guard. She said things about him not going anywhere in life and he's too old and blah blah blah. I should have listened.

Anyway, when we got back from the beach, Connor and my sister got a lot closer and he spent a lot of time at our house. Connor and I made a lot of jokes about sleeping together and stuff in front of my sister because we knew it ticked her off.

Then, as in any good story, there was a turning point. Connor was at my house working on my sister's car after it was giving her problems when she had to go to work. She took my dad's car while Connor finished up on hers. When my sister left, my mother was cooking dinner so she made Connor a plate. The four of us had dinner around the table - me, Connor, and my parents. It was so fucking awkward.

After dinner, Connor asked me if I wanted to go outside on my back porch with him to smoke a cigarette. Naturally, I said okay.

We had a nice conversation out on the porch - talking about everything and nothing in particular. When the conversation started to falter, I made a comment about wanting to go swimming really badly. Connor told me that his neighborhood had a pool and if I really wanted to go swimming, I could tell my parents I was going to my best friend Justin's house to go swimming and instead just go to his. We couldn't tell my parents I was going to his house because they would undoubtedly tell my sister. So I was all hell yeah and he was all alright let's do it.

He left after saying goodbye to my parents and I waited about a half hour before telling them that I was going to Justin's to swim. I got to his house around six and we walked to the pool.

The first hour or so, it was just the two of us in the pool. And, let me fucking tell you, you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. We were touching and playing footsies while we had a cigarette off the edge of the pool. I would put my feet on his knees and push off and then he would grab my feet and pull me back so I was straddling him. It was flirty and so much fun.

But after that first hour, two families came in to swim. They stayed for a while and we toned it down - just swimming and touching occasionally.  No big thing.

When the families left, we talked about leaving, too.  We were just chilling in the pool, talking while we were hanging on the side of it. Then he turned towards me and leaned in slowly. Before I knew it, we were making out against the side of that pool for a good few minutes.

Then he pulled away and was like, "We should probably get back now."

So we went back. He went to his house and I went to mine. We went swimming a few more times just the two of us, but we never kissed or anything after that.

It was really confusing because I felt like he actually liked me and that maybe he wanted something physical, which I was totally down for. I spent a few days wondering what had happened and being too cowardly to ask for any answers.

For the next three weeks, nothing happened between the two of us. We acted like it never happened. I, of course, told my friends that it had happened and asked what it all meant.

Eventually, I decided that we actually just didn't like each other - and that was fine. Because I think I realized that I actually don't like him like that at all. I realized that everything my sister said about hime as true - he's too old for me, he's not going anywhere in life, and honestly, he's not exactly a Calvin Klein model. Sorry not sorry.

Now, it's the end of June, just after my nineteenth birthday, and my sister moved away last week. Ironically enough, she moved to beach where I lost my virginity. Haha, I guess everything does come back full circle.

I honestly believe that the reason that Connor didn't initiate anything further between he two of us is because of my sister. I think he knew that his relationship with her and my relationship with her, separately, was more important than the relationship that we wanted to have with each other - which would probably only be about sex anyway.

The reason I think this is because three days after my sister left and the night after my nineteenth birthday, Connor messaged me on Facebook asking me what was up. I replied, telling him I just got home and the asking if he wanted to go swimming the next day because it was already like one o'clock in the morning. He messaged me back asking if I just wanted to go over to his house right now and hang out. I said sure because I think that somewhere in the back of my head, I knew what was going to happen that night. We could both deny it however we wanted, but on some level,we were attracted to each other and I think we both wanted it.

So I threw on some pajama pants and a wife beater and went over. I messaged him to let him know that I was outside and then he let me in.

It's funny because I honestly thought that we would both just deny for an hour or so and then maybe after that he'd end up fucking me on the couch or something. I thought we could both last long enough to play a few games with each other. Apparently not because this is how it went down:

I went inside his house and we were making small talk around the counter in the kitchen for like maybe three minutes about dumb things - my birthday, how my sister was doing in her new apartment, blah blah blah.

After a few minutes, I sat down on the couch and started watching whatever he was watching before I came over, which was Freaky Friday which kind of made me want to giggle but I reigned it in.  He followed me over and sat next to me and kept talking. I said something sassy that I don't even remember anymore and he started playfully like patting my face sort of just to annoy me. I went to push his hand off my face, but he just wrapped his arm around my shoulders instead and pulled me down so my head was on his shoulder. He started playing with my hair with the hand that was wrapped around my shoulders.

I started to lift my head off his shoulders and he turned his head towards me. Two seconds later, our face were attacking each other. I'm a big fan of kissing. I like to kiss people - men, mostly, but I've kissed quite a few girls. Not sexually, but it wasn't terrible.

I turned towards him, and he turned towards me. He pulled one of my legs around his waist while we kissed. Then he pushed it away from him so my legs were spread. Now I'm not really into writing erotic novels so I'm gonna just skim over the dirty details for now. Basically, we were rounding second when he finally pulled away and suggested we go find somewhere more comfortable.

We scaled the stairs quickly and he pulled me into the guest bedroom at the top of the stairs. It was crazy deja vu too because while I was giving him head, I stopped for a second to ask if he had a condom. He said no. Now, it's been about half a year since I've had sex and I was like, you know what, I don't even care, he can pull out. Ladies: never, ever, do that. Do as I say, not as I do.

So we fucked in his guest bedroom for a while. And, let me tell you, it was nothing spectacular. Which kind of sucks. Because I went behind my sister's back and slept with this guy that I didn't really like, wasn't really attracted to, and didn't really give a shit about. Like, that blows. All that drama and secret-keeping for a lousy lay by a lousy guy. For once, I'd just like to sleep with a guy and not regret it later.

Anyway, we talked a few times after that, but didn't see each other again until three weeks later. We made out in the pool again at like two in the morning. He tried to bone me again but as soon as he got his hands in my bikini bottoms, I shoved his hand out of the way. And it got all sorts of awkward after that so I lied and told him I had to work early in the morning and left.

And here's the kicker: on this day, less than a week later, I checked my Facebook and guess what, y'all? He's got a new girlfriend! Yeah. What's up with that? I don't know, but I think the whole thing is fucking hilarious. Oh my God, my life gets better and better by the day. I don't even know what's up with my life anymore. It's just not fair for my life to be so full circle and so easy to write about. In reality, I just overthink everything and need to write it down so it doesn't get lost in my head. I'm a whiny little bitch sometimes. Even I get sick of me. Jesus.

I don't even know if that paragraph had a clear thought pattern but I don't even care anymore.

You know what just really gets me? Every guy I've ever been with has either liked me for me or liked to fuck me. I don't need a prince and I don't need a perfect guy, I just need a decent guy that will like who I am and also want to have sex with me. I don't know when that became too much to ask for.

You know what I mean? It's like I don't need some dude in a suit of armor to come into my suburban neighborhood and say, "May I fornicate with you until you feel immense pleasure, my sweet?" But maybe a guy who wants to take me out on a date before he takes my panties off.  Or a guy who appreciates my long legs AND my long vocabulary.  Like who are all you bitches that took all these guys from the world and can you spare a couple? Because a few of us have met too many bastards to count and we're losing hope quick. So if y'all could just throw us a pool noodle before we drown in the deep end, that'd be totally aces.






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