Silhouette

And your friends
are they dangerous?
And if they are
then how much?
And your friends
are the glamorous?
And if they are
I've lost interest.

Silhouette, loose sundress
low sunset, baby.
Desert heat
come with me
just one drink.
Thirsty?
This city ain't safe at sundown.

I can't describe the feeling that this song brings me.

Everyone has one of those songs. The song that you listen to when you want to be transported to a easier, simpler time. This was one of the only songs I listened to the spring break of my freshman year in college. That was one of the greatest weeks of my life.

When I listen to this song, I go back in time. I live my life in this song for just a few minutes.

This song is more than a song. It's a soundtrack. It's the sound of the waves crashing on the beach right outside my window. It's inhaling the smoke of a much-needed cigarette on a balcony. It's a lukewarm cup of coffee at eleven in the morning when I finally get my lazy ass out of bed.  It's the laughter of my best friends on four hour car rides. It's the breeze through my hair because it's finally warm enough to drive with the windows down.  This song is my own little piece of heaven. My own little piece of mind.

When I'm going out of my mind wondering what's next or who's next or where I am, I play this song and I remember. I remember that what or who is next isn't all that important. I remember that I am on this Earth and no matter where on this Earth I am, I have the power to be happy.

There are always going to be people on the planet that grind my gears. There are always going to be situations that I wish I didn't have to go through. There are always going to be doubts. There is always going to be that little voice in the back of my head telling me that maybe I'm not good enough for anyone or anything.

But there is also always going to be this damn song.

And when I find myself in the company of those people or in those situations, when I have those doubts and that insecurity to worsen it, I will come back to this song. I will listen to it and it will cleanse me. That doubt and insecurity will flood my system and I will be who I am once again. A better person than I was a moment before because I have grounded myself.

Here at school, I am not grounded. I am not myself. I lose myself when I am here. I feel like the ghost of a total stranger. And it's not fucking fair. I want to be who I am. I want to be the person everyone thinks I am. The friendly girl with the optimistic lifestyle and cynical jokes. And to an extent, that is who I am. But that's not all of it.

I'm a liar. I'm judgmental. I can hold a grudge like nobody's business. I'm fake as fuck. I'm more of a bitch than I think anyone will ever know. And I hate it, but that's who I am.  I'll talk behind your back and smile to your face. And it's so fucking fucked up. I wish I wasn't like that but I don't know how to change. I want to go forward up this hill but I'm stuck in reverse and I can't shift gears. But I want to. You have no idea how badly I want to. And maybe that's the first step.

And maybe holding on to the feeling I get when I hear this song will help. I just hope it doesn't slip through my fingers.