Teenage Girl Drama

Y'all. I am so in love. I’m in love with someone I know deep in my heart will never love me back. I may be “better” than him in some of the ways that matter - I’m more responsible, smarter, hard-working. But he is fucking gorgeous. And, yeah, we’re friends. But how long is that going to last? Until school lets out? Until one of us gets a significant other? Until one of us finally admits that we like each other?

And that’s the thing - I know that he likes me. At least a little bit. At least I know he’s not totally repulsed by me.

See, the thing that blows is that the first guy that liked me slipped through my fingers. Another liked me but he had a girlfriend. Another one liked me but I couldn’t bring myself to care for him the same way. The last liked me and I just kept being a bitch to him until he got over it and decided that I wasn’t worth the trouble.

And all that I dealt with when I had to. Yeah, the first took a little more time. But I got over when the time came for me to take my head out of the sand and face facts - I missed my window of opportunity.

But this guy. This fucking guy. I like him so much, he’s all I think about. He is who I want to spend my day with. He’s the guy I want to watch football with and show him my paintings and my writing and cook for. He makes me want to do the things I enjoy because a part of me just knows he’d enjoy them too.

But I’m a fucking coward. And I know that. I know that I’ll never have the courage to just invite him over for a blunt or ask him to see a movie with me. I’m a coward.

With the right hair and make-up, I’m okay. A solid six, at least. But I do this all the time and I know we’re all guilty of it: when we see couples out in public, we automatically judge them for the way we look together.

And when I tall, big girl like me walks in with a 6’3” man that looks like God took his time on him, people are going to wonder how a girl like me snagged a man like him.

And that’s the thing. I don’t want to snag him. I’m sick of snagging guys. I want a guy to snag me. I want a man to wake up to my face every morning and think, “Man, I’m lucky I found her.” I don’t want them to roll over thinking, “Eh, she’ll do.”

I don't want a relationship that I have to settle for. And I don't want a huge Nicholas Sparks romance either simply because I don't think that it's plausible.

But what I do think is plausible is finding a guy that likes me for me and I'll like him for him. People find a person they fit with all the time. I can't remember the last time I got butterflies with a guy. The last time the sight of that one person sent my heart into overdrive. The last time I stayed up all night thinking about that one guy, hoping he's thinking of me too.

But this one, this one I could imagine the whole nine with. The whole meeting the parents, cooking him dinner, American dream kind of love. And I want it so badly.

But there's a part of me that just knows it will never happen. And that's okay - that's fine. I just have to convince myself that I'm worth that kind of love before I get into the business of trying to convince anyone else.