Ghosts

There’s so little that I really know. I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like the ghost of a total stranger. There are things I want to ask, things I want to share, things I want to know are true beyond a shadow of a doubt.

But I think I’m finally starting to understand that maybe I’m not supposed to ask, share, or know those things yet. Maybe I am the ghost of a stranger - the person I used to be. Who I was and who I am are such opposite people that when I look back on everything that has happened in the past two years, my head starts to spin. And I start to imagine what might have happened to me if I hadn’t changed. Maybe I’d be happier. Maybe I’d be more stable. Maybe I’d have more friends. Maybe I’d be more confident. Maybe I’d make better decisions. I don’t know.

But I think that’s one of life’s greatest moments. When you realize that every small decision you make is a big decision. The decision to stop being friends with someone. Or which college you’ll go to. Or if you’ll go home for that one weekend. Or if you’ll work at this place or that. We all make decisions like that. And those decisions plant the path ahead.

I can’t see very far down the path that I’m walking, but I can see the twists and the turns. And although I’m terrified that one twist may land me back to the start or that one turn may be too sharp, I’m also ecstatic that I have a path in the first place.

And I just hope my life turns out to be one hell of an adventure.